if you try too hard, you fail. if you don't try, you fail. if you do your best, you'll probably fucking fail. is failure in public worse than your own personal failure ? all i ever do is ask questions that nobody could answer, questions that nobody would ever WANT to answer. so where does that leave me ? I'm left with a notebook full of questions and a blog with three fucking posts about a failed attempt at quitting smoking.

dear 2009,

on the eve of your death, i'm left with a lot of broken promises. i'm sure i'm not the only one, hell, i'm one of a million. sitting alone with my glass of scotch and cigarettes on my breath, for once i can think of only one question: where's my fucking flying car ? well, no, thats not it. the real question is this: am i a computer program ? well, maybe thats not it...do i have a soul ? fuck ! how old should you be when you quit smoking ? (i already know the answer to that one ) i suppose it's the same question that's asked of every year towards the end...how'd it go by so fast ? i just went around the corner of 24, and now 30 is just around the corner. thirty ! i'm going to be thirty fucking years old ! i'd like another scotch so i'm going to leave it at that/ but really, where'd all the fuckign time go ? i guess i'd have just as much luck asking kurt cobain, he's dead and you're in a coma as good as dead.

christ mass?

mono box for christmas ! mono box for christmas ! my girlfriend rules. Although the omossion of yellow submarine, abbey road, and let it be kind of blows, we already have abbey road and let it be, so we'll just have to collect yellow submarine at some point. I've wanted to own the entire beatles catalog pretty much since the first time i heard twist and shout, there's just so much there. I've let the beatles go quite a bit over the last couple of years, and with a week off work coming up, new headphones and nothing to do, i can't wait to rediscover. christ !

08/05/09

what to do what to do...

how do you fix your mistakes when it's too late to fix them ? I've been confused for weeks now, it's as if I've had my eyes closed for the past four years. What have I been doing? How the hell could I think I would want this in twenty five years. Everything will change now, and I'm afraid but excited at the same time for what's going to happen...

everything that goes through my head ends up on the internet. every thought, every feeling, everything. personal lives become impersonal sitcoms in the blink of an eye, in the time it takes to refresh your browser

does anybody even exist anymore? when did i chain myself to this fucking thing? how do i unchain myself? it feels like i haven't spoken in years. am i even aware of the fact that i'm complaining about the internet on the internet?

day 5 & 6

what is it about sunday that's so fucking depressing? is it the threat of work the next day ? the fact that you're going to have to explain to the i.t. guy why your laptop is fucked ? everything moves so much slower on sunday. it gives you too much time to contemplate...too much time to think about everything...

today was easy with the cigarettes..i thought of it once this morning and once when i started writing...yesterday though...i almost lost yesterday...wedding....beer...so many people smoking...if she hadn't been with me i would have caved

day 3 & 4

little by little it's getting better. my lungs hurt though. it feels like somebody punched me in the chest. onward i go....

quit smoking day 2

It's been in the back of my mind all day. "One cigarette can't hurt. You'll still quit." I've been ignoring the voice so far, but can I make it ? It would be so easy, just to say yes once. Sure. Why not. Yes. The issue here is that i work in the construction industry. Everybody. Fucking. smokes. Everybody i work with smokes. every employee of every company I run into on a job smokes. It's fucking driving me nuts.

I turned down five cigarettes today and it makes me sad to think that it was difficult. I'm better than this. I'm smarter than this. I've seen so many people just put it down one day. As if they get up some random morning and say" i don't smoke anymore as of today" and then they never touch a cigarette again. They never even think about it again. Why can't I do that ? It makes me angry that I'm so bothered by the fact that I can't smoke a cigarette. I hate it so much. I hate that I keep thinking and thinking and thinking about it all goddamned day and I can't just let it go. in an instant i'll forget about cancer, forget the money, forget emphysema, black lungs, heart disease, all of these perfect reasons not to smoke, and they're just fucking gone and al i can think of is how good it would feel to have one cigarette.

i don't get why the first day was so easy. yesterday, I thought about smoking once, in passing, and that's all it was. today, it's in everything i do. smoke. smoke. smoke.


I think the only thing keeping me from doing it is how good my lungs feel. after twelve years of constant poisoning, my lungs are starting to recover. it's probaly all in my head, but somehow i feel better. i didn't really notice until i got home today, but i'm breathing easily for the first time in a long time. it sounds stupid, but i swear i can feel my lungs healing. today it feels like i'm going to be one of those people that always thinks about cigarettes. i think i'm always going to miss the feeling of a drag going into my lungs. but i can do it. i know it.

I'm putting the roughly $30-$38 it costs me to smoke every week into a new guitar fund....i hate life today